Monday, April 25, 2011

Pocket Men

Today's the day. I'm so excited. I'll finally get to be a real trainer, like my brothers and my father before me. It's only too bad they all died seperate yet tragic and mysterious deaths years ago. Oh well, no use in worring about that, I'm me, not them, surely I will succeed without any problems. Surely.

Mom:
Are you ready? It's almost time to go!

Tree:
Of course I am! I've been practicing for this for years. Well, days, but I got the gist of it.

Mom:
Great! I too achieve my lifelong goal today, my goal of having all of my children out of my house, so I can sell it, move somewhere nice, meet a rich man, and live off of his wealth in exchange for sexual favors.

Tree:
Huh. Doesn't that make you a whore?

Mom:
Oh yes. You're not the only one around here with a dream you know. Now out the door, scoot scoot, the realtor is coming later and I want to get all your crap out of here. I packed you this lunch, now go, and remember, don't come back!

Tree:
Thanks, you're the best mom!

Ah, to be on the road. Nothing but my backpack and the clothes I have on, that I won't ever wash because I'd have to be naked while I washed them. I have to get to the professors! He'll be expecting me. Oh, which one will I choose, I hope they're good choices.

Professor Soong:
Tree! You made it! I was starting to think I'd have to start a fire and kill everyone you cared about!

Tree:
No need. I'm here, and I'm ready to choose my pokemon!

Professor Soong:
Wonderful. Here are your choices: First, we have a wild Barclay, a neurotic pokemon with psychic powers who causes more trouble than he's worth. Next up is a Geordi, he has good engineering skills and a neat visor, but he is weak against optical type pokemon, which, unfortunately, is every other pokemon. Last, our youngest pokemon, Wesley, who is smart but obnoxious, and utterly unlikeable. Choose wisely.

Tree:
I was hoping they'd suck a little less than that. Oh well. I guess I'll take Barclay.

Barclay:
Barclay Barclay!

Professor Soong:
Well, do what you want, who am I to discourage you. Here's his pokeball, now beat it; there's a lot of other kids waiting to get ahold of my balls.

Tree:
Thanks, professor!

And so, I began to wander. For some reason there were meticulously placed fences that made a maze and a lot of tall grass, as if no one ever came to or left my town, which is just silly. Pokemon are often found in tall grass, and this is a chance to try out my skills! I'll have to walk around in a circle in this same spot until I'm attacked by a random pokemon who is conveniently near Barclays current level.

[5 minutes later]

Fuck this shit, I'm hungry. I wonder what my mother packed for me. Egg salad sandwich, Oreos, string cheese, and.. an uncooked tv dinner. Well, I'm sure there's a lot of microwaves out in the wild. Maybe I'll catch a microwavemon. Oh shit, here comes a pokemon! get read, Barclay!

Barclay:
Barclay Barclay!

Tree:
It's a Riker! What's such an advanced pokemon doing in this part of the map? He must be with...

Team Stamos A:
To mullet and sing throughout the land!

Team Stamos B:
We'll rock the smash club with our band!

Team Stamos A:
For Elvis and his acting career!

Team Stamos B:
Being Married to Rebecca Romijn for seven years!

Team Stamos A:
On TV I knocked up Becky!

Team Stamos B:
Meanwhile Joey was banging Stephanie!

Team Stamos A:
I'm still hot, though half as famous!

Team Stamos B:
Now we wander around battling aimless!

A & B Together:
Go Go Team Stamos!

Riker:
Riker Riker, that's right!

Tree:
Wow, that was long and irritating, but informative at the same time. Do you do that for all the trainers you meet?

Team Stamos A:
Most are smart enough to avoid us now.

Team Stamos B:
But you're a novice, your skills are weak; you will fall easily and your Barclay and oreos will be ours!

Tree:
If that's how it has to be. Go Barclay! Use neurotic ramblings!

Barclay:
Barclay! Barclay Barclay! Barclay Barclay! Bar Barclay!

Riker:
Riikkerrrrr!

Team Stamos A:
Oh, that's horrible! why won't he stop?

Team Stamos B:
Riker, use uncontrollable libido attack!

Riker:
Riker!

Tree:
Oh no, he's pretending to listen to Barclay's problem to convince him that he cares about him. Barclay is falling for it because of Rikers sexy beard! Oh no, now he's mounting Barclay! This is the worst thing I've ever seen!

Team Stamos A:
Go Riker! give him all you've got!

Team Stamos B:
It's oddly erotic.

Tree:
Make it stop! For the love of Gord, make it stop!

Mysterious Figure:
Go Talking Pie!

Talking Pie:
Pie Pie!

Mysterious Figure:
Blueberry attack!

Team Stamos A:
That's a level 29 Talking Pie!

Team Stamos B:
We don't stand a chance!

Team Stamos A:
Return Riker! Today we flee, but we'll be back!

[exit team stamos]

Tree:
Thanks mister! you really saved my Barclay's ass, but who are you?

Mysterious Figure:
A friend. I want to give you this Talking Pie. He'll help you. Now go! Become a champion!

Tree:
Yes sir!

What a strange and friendly man, and now I have this new pokemon, Talking Pie. My first day, and I already have two pokemon. I'll bet my dead dad is looking up from hell and smiling. Well hear this, you dead bastard! I'm going to be the best! I'm going to collect all 9000 pokemon in their various forms, and beat all the best trainers in the world. But first, egg salad!

The journey begins...

2 comments:

  1. This started out hilarious and smart and somehow turned surreal and confusing, at least for me. I really liked the parts before team Stamos (I guess I missed the later jokes). The Pokemon description was really good. This has a huge potential, in some kind on interpretive parody on Pokemon as a person.

    Or maybe I'm just reading into it... You might not have an audience, but you'll surely find a shit ton of critics :)

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  2. That's fair. I wrote this around the release of Pokemon Diamond/Pearl during my "talking pie" phase, which was hallmarked by random references in place of actual humor. I had to put it up here though, because it's so different from everything else I've written.

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