Monday, April 25, 2011

Pie and I

I was a dull boy. I had a few friends, but they seemed to hang out with me out of obligation more than anything. I just wasn't very smart, and the other kids didn't like that. Anytime mischief was being had, I was inevitably the one who got us caught and punished. I hated myself, and I had considered many ways in which to kill myself. Hanging seemed good, but the potential for error was too great, plus I didn't know how to tie a noose. I considered setting myself on fire, but I get headaches when I'm around fumes. I once thought perhaps I could just walk into traffic and get hit by a car, but I didn't want to dent someone’s car just because I didn't want to be alive anymore. It seemed like all hope was lost. Until...

Lehnard:
How will I ever end my miserable life?

Talking Pie:
I know a way that will be mutually beneficial to you and myself.

Lehnard:
Since when do pies talk?

Talking Pie:
Hey, you want my help or not?

Lehnard:
I guess.

Talking Pie:
So here's the plan...

Right then and there he detailed to me the most magnificent and extravagant plan for suicide, and in his case, revenge. I was to go through the entire town and eat up every last pie, every crumb, every type, until I was so fat that my stomach exploded. I would die in a tragic and memorable way that would make people stop and say "that kid Lehnard, he was really fucking fat, so fat he exploded!" Meanwhile, the pie would have his revenge on all the other pies in the neighborhood, whom he suspected had conspired to help a key lime pie fuck his wife without his knowledge, which had resulted in her divorcing him and taking full custody of the little pies with her. He didn't even have visitation rights.

As I began my journey, I did all my chores, went to school, turned in my homework, made my bed, just as I always had, but instead of going to play with the guys or going into the bathroom and masturbating, I opened the fridge. Lo and behold, my mother, the master pastry chef had no less than three whole pies sitting there, just waiting to be devoured. The first pie was easy, apple, my favorite. The second pie was delicious, but it was starting to hurt; it was working, and I was only two pies in! This might be easier than I thought! The talking pie just looked on and smiled. When I was done, I made my way to the neighbor’s houses. It was easy to get access, I just said I needed to call my father for an emergency and they let me in. Once inside, I snuck every last bite of pie they had. Those fools had no idea.

Once I made my way through the residential area, I could barely move, but talking pie encouraged me in my mission, and I knew I had to stay firm in my conviction. I must have eaten 40 pies by then. I had to go to the grocers. I couldn't see how those pies had wronged talking pie, and I couldn't help but ask if they really deserved it.

Lehnard:
Magical talking pie, the pies at the grocers are new, sealed, unpurchased pies. I doubt they could have had any hand in your situation.

Talking Pie:
There’s no way to know now is there?

Lehnard:
Well, some of them haven't even been in the area long enough to...

Talking Pie:
Look kid, you don't know how this whole pie racket works. If one pie is in on it, odds are he's working for a more powerful pie. It goes all the way up to the president!

Lehnard:
There’s a pie president?

Talking Pie:
No, asshole, the regular president. You know, the American president, running the country and shit.

Lehnard:
Oh. Well, if it must be done.

Talking Pie:
You're not dead yet, right? Keep walking!

I did as the pie commanded. He was bossier than I had initially figured, but he had been through a lot. The grocers couldn't stop me from eating all the pies, and I moved on. So many pies. By now, it was night time, and most of the stores were closed. After getting kicked out of the grocers with a stern warning about childhood obesity and diabetes I wandered the streets looking for the one last pie that would put me over the top. I could feel it inside me, I was ready to go, but I just needed one more. It was then that talking pie did something I had never expected.

Talking Pie:
Eat me.

Lehnard:
What? I can't do that!

Talking Pie:
You have to. The bakery is closed. You've cleaned out the entire town. You don't have any other options.

Lehnard:
But...

Talking Pie:
But nothing. I got what I wanted. They're all dead. All those bastards who wouldn't let me in their stupid club.

Lehnard:
I thought they conspired to cheat on your wife and stuff?

Talking Pie:
Oh yeah, yeah! Those bastards! My wife, I sure loved her and stuff. Miss those kids of mine. That's not important now though, kid, what is important is that you've given me the satisfaction I needed, and I want to give you yours. Besides, I got nothing to live for now. I was so focused on revenge for so long, that that's all I had.

And so, I dug deep into the talking pie, knowing that soon both of us would be dead, and it occurred to me, in the last few moments I had of consciousness that talking pie was the best friend I'd ever had.

No comments:

Post a Comment