Friday, April 29, 2011

Interview With a Dullard

[Fade in]

Dwight:
"Hello folks, and welcome to Fridays with Dwight! It's the hard hitting investigative journal that really goes deep, into the heart of humanity. As always, my goal is to show you the side of life that you're already aware of, but that isn't usually put on TV, because then TV isn't escapism anymore. It's that gritty reality that you'd have to walk outside to see! Today, we have with us in the studio, a special guest: Garrett H. Tiemann. In case you don't know, he's a writer from California, a graduate of UC Davis, and a truly fascinating guy. So far, he's published nothing. I'd like to get to the root of who this guy really is, so let’s just jump right into it."

[Dwight turns to Garrett. They are both seated in arm chairs, facing each other, but tilted to face the camera as well. There is a coffee table between them with non-descript mugs sitting upon it. The lights shine down on them brightly, and the background is a seemingly endless depth of black.]

Dwight:
"So, Garrett; you've done nothing to progress your writing career, but you do work a minimum wage job as a cashier. I have to ask, how do you spend your days off; the time when, arguably, you should be trying to get your career started?"

Garrett:
"I don't know. I just sort of wait around, trying to relax. I end up feeling anxious though, because I can feel the time creep, and I know very well that I'll be working again soon."

[Dwight leans forward, to show that he is very interested. Garrett takes a drink from one of the mugs.]

Dwight:
"You don't look through job listings or anything like that?"

Garrett:
"I sometimes do, but most of the time I don't meet all the qualifications, or it's too far for me to commute. I figure I should start looking for a serious job after I get some more money, so I can maybe buy a car and travel further."

Dwight:
"How much do you have saved up for that?"

Garrett:
"Oh, I don't have anything saved. Can't afford to save."

[Dwight sits up, now looking somewhat surprised.]

Dwight:
"So, how is it that you think you'll get a surge of money?"

Garrett:
"Who can say? I found $9 on the ground just the other day."

Dwight:
"You don't say. Well, if you're not trying to progress your career, what is it that you do? What things do you like?"

Garrett:
"I like music. Well, I sort of like music. I've owned some instruments, but I never learned to play them. I listen to music, but pretty much the same music over and over again. I don't pay for music either, and I don't like going to concerts. But yeah, I like music."

[Dwight is leaning back now. His face has taken a very solemn expression that is not unlike contempt.]

Dwight:
"It doesn't sound like you care much about it."

Garrett:
"What is there to care about?"

Dwight:
"Indeed. Is that it? No other interests?"

Garrett:
"I play videogames sometimes. I don't finish games very often though. I get bored. I never play online. I don't like how serious some people get. I know a lot about videogames though. I have an interest in them, just not enough to really play them."

Dwight:
"I see a pattern emerging. Is there anything that you like that you actually want to do?"

Garrett:
"I want to do everything, there just isn’t the time."

[Dwight lets out an indignant huff. He is not so subtlety annoyed.]

Dwight:
"But you just said that you spend your days off doing nothing."

Garrett:
"Well, yeah. I'm too tired from the work week. I don't want to do anything on my days off.

Dwight:
"I see. Well, you must be doing something while you're doing nothing."

Garrett:
"True. The TV is pretty much always on, though I just set it to something I don't have to pay attention to. I browse the internet, but most of that time is spent looking at funny pictures and refreshing the same half dozen websites."

[Dwight just stares at his guest for a few seconds, motionlessly, as if deeply contemplating something else, before he continues the interview.]

Dwight:
"Why don't you seek out new things? There's so much on the internet; surely you could have an endless supply of things to read and learn about."

Garrett:
"Sounds like work to me."

Dwight:
"Speaking of which, what do you do at work?"

Garrett:
"I help the customers, of course. I'm a cashier."

Dwight:
"And is that really taxing for you, mentally?"

Garrett:
"No, I pretty much turn my brain off during it. I can do that job in my sleep."

Dwight:
"So, it's physically exhausting, right?"

Garrett:
"Oh yeah. I have to stand up for like three hours at a time sometimes. That's bad for your back."

Dwight:
"You just stand around?"

Garrett:
"Yeah. You'd think they'd give us chairs or something."

[Dwight stands up, rips off his microphone, and silently walks away in the opposite direction of his guest. Off screen, you can hear some loudly whispered arguments. Garrett takes another sip from his cup.]

[Fade out]

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